cop:"please step out of the car and walk along this straight line for me."
....you:(falls over)
cop:"you're so drunk you can't even walk."
you:"I know, why do you think I'm driving."
A 5 year old boy walks in on his dad naked
boy says : "what this daddy ?" pointing to his penis
dad says : "thats my limo"
boy walks in on his mam naked
bot say : "whats that?" pointing to her tits then he points at her fanny and says whats this
mam says "that my garage and front lights"
boy walks in on his mam and dad having sex and says
"mam turn on your front lights dads limo is stuck in your garage!!"
Like if you get this
Once you start to dislike someone. Everything they do begins to annoy you.
Dear Girls,
Some of you wonder why us guys make the "Make me a sandwich" Joke. Heres what I Want you to do. Go into the kitchen and make a sandwich. See girls come with a hormone called "Sammichosterone" Its related to "Testoterone" In men but with girls. Now I want you to take a bite of that sandwich. Was it good? Ofcourse it was good. You know why? Your Sammichosterone made it good.
Love,
The guys who like it when you make us sandwichs.
Boy: I've had the time of my life.
Girl: *blushes*
Boy: I've never felt this way before.
Girl: Me either
Boy: And i swear...this is true.
Girl: So do i.
Boy: And i ow it all to you.......
Girl: :)
Boy: Dirty bit *starts break dancing in the middle off the street*.
Advantages of Being a Guy:
1.We have a p**is.
2.We still have a p**is.
3. My god we love our my p**is.
4. Did I mention we have p**is's?
5. As you can see we have p**is's.
And finally..
6. Our penis doesnt bleed every week out of the month.
Dear Edward Cullen,
You stay young forever and sneak into the rooms of young girls? How original
Sincerely, Peter Pan. ♥
that awkward moment;
when you ring a doorbell and you aren't
quite sure if it rung or not. you don't
want to ring it again because you'll
seem rude, but if you didn't ring it, how
would they know
you're there?
If all girls started wearing no make up and comfortable clothes
guys would have no choice but to fall for girls because of natural beauty
and search for our personalities instead of just focusing on how hot we usually try to look.
If only it was that easy ♥
Dear butt,
You managed to turn on my phone, decipher my screen lock code, put it on speaker, AND call Pizza Hut in the middle of class?
Sincerely, I'm impressed.
DEAR HATERS,
I COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE THAT....
'awesome' ends with "me"
and 'ugly' starts with "u"
Two blonde girls were talking and one couldn't help but notice how pretty and beautiful the others skin was. So she asked her outright what made her skin so soft and beautiful."Well, once a week I fill the bathtub with milk and just soak in it."
So the blonde went to a farm and spoke to the farmer. "I'd like a lot of milk."
"How much?" asked the farmer.
"Well, quite a lot because I'm going to soak in it."
He asked, "Pasteurized?"
"No...just up to my boobies."
today, my three year old cousin asked me "why do women have an extra pair of butts underneath their shirts?"
I love little boys.
psychological fact #77
the crusty stuff you get in the corner of your eyes when you wake up is remnant of your dreams.
the color tells about how your dreams were.
yellow means you dreamt about love.
brown means you dreamt about death.
green means you dreamt about wealth.
colorless means you dreamt about fame.
black means you dreamt about nothing.
-Do you speak English?
-Yes
-Name?
-Adolf Bumin.
-Sex?
-3 to 5 times a week.
-No, I mean..male/female?
-Yes, male,female and sometimes camels.
-Holy cow!
-Yes, cows, sheep...Animals in general.
-Oh dear,
-No, deers, they run too fast.
This blonde was at a coke machine and and put her change in and mashed a button and out comes a drink. So she puts some more change in and pushed another button and out comes a drink.
She keeps putting change in and pushing buttons and getting drinks. Here comes a man and asks the blonde if she is gonna be through at this machine any time soon and she responds
"I'm not gonna quit until I stop winning."
guy 1: { picks up a piece of paper in his friend's apartment } "Dude why is my mom's name on this guest list with a check mark beside it?"
guy 2: "Dude that's not a guest list it's my To Do list.."
guy 1: o_o
you can call me names, put me down, think you're better. you may own high school, think you're pretty, and everyone else is ugly. you can party all day and night and hook up with every guy you see, wear all the make-up in the world and spend hours on your hair, but in 20 years, when im rich and you're working for me and begging me for a raise, well then we can really talk bitch.
Boy: How can I tell her "I love you?"
Girl: Just do it! :)
Boy: Ok, let's practise with you
Girl: Great
Boy: ... I love you
Girl: I love you too.. see, that was easy right? Now go tell her!
Boy: I just did.
You and a couple of your friends are hanging out and this happens
YOU: 'Hey guess what, that kid in our class that you say you don't like is moving into your street."
FRIEND: "Omigosh ughhh please tell me your kidding, are you serious?"
YOU: Sigh -_- *thinking to yourself* she's such liar she really wants to be next to him....
FRIEND "Oh look there he is, wow I totally hate him *says it in a stupid fake tone*
YOU: ........
A kid staggered into his classroom one morning. He answered all of the questions with a slurred voice. The teacher says: "Is there anything wrong?" and the kid replies: "I swear to drunk, I'm not God!"
How do you get a girl to squeeze her t*ts together?
***********************************************************
Ask her if she can touch both of her elbows together...
Is it just me or do you? :
1. Feel like the grudge is in your closet.
2. Pretend you're not scared. But inside you're about to pee your pants.
3. To "study" you look at the study guides for like 2 seconds.
4. When you're in the pool you act like a proffesional swimmer.
5. You look at your phone every 2 seconds to see if anyone texted you.
6. In the shower you stay there and daydream until you're parents yell " Are you done?!
Middle School Profile Pictures - you're not cool unless its at an angle with a peace sign, your tongue sticking out, cleavage showing, or if you're a guy you need a hat or a girl with cleavage next to you.
High School Pictures - you're not cool unless its a single pic of you or with your friends doing something weird/child like, you and your bf kissing, you're half naked, or you're doing something illegal.
TEXTS #31
Dad: Just killed a GIANT SPIDER
near your room.
Daughter: Thanks dad. You know me,
I would have freaked out!
Dad: Oh yeah, I left its body on the floor so the other bugs know
not to mess with me.
Dad: Will you marry me?
Daughter: EW NO!
Dad: Good. We'll just keep practicing this so that when someone actually asks you to marry them, it'll just be a kneejerk reaction.
**** You never guess what I saw today!!! ****
I was walking down the road to the shop and I saw a woman who was wearing more make-up than clothes... It's disgraceful how women expose every part of their body in today's society...
-----------------Fact #256-----------------------
Sea levels aren't rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking...
**** Fact #146 ****
More money is spent on fake b00bs and viagra than treatment for alzeimers!
By 2024 the elderly are going to have big perky b00bs and rock hard c0cks and they won't even remember why...
I might have erased your texts
But I will never forget what you wrote .
I might have unfriended you ,
But I will never forget your pictures .
We might have stopped talking ,
But I will never forget your voice .
We might have ignored each other ,
But I will never forget your face .
We might have stopped hugging ,
But I will never forget how you smell .
Anything we did , I will never forget .
psychological fact #59
yawning is contagious.
even thinking about yawning is enough.
after reading this, there is a 50% chance that you will yawn.