cop:"please step out of the car and walk along this straight line for me."
"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down "happy". They told me I didn’t understand the assignment.
I told them they didn’t understand life."
— John Lennon
i don't care
if you're black, white, straight, bisexual, gay, lesbian, short, tall, fat, skinny, rich or poor.
If you're nice to me, I'll be nice to you. Simple as that.
- Eminem
Mocking people in a voice they don't even have.
Me: Can I use the bathroom?
Teacher: I don't know, can you?
Me: When I was using "can" I was using its secondary model form as a verbal modifier asking for permission, as opposed to expressing an ability. I thought since you were a teacher you'd know that. My bad. MAY I use the restroom?
Teacher:...
If a guy compliments your shirt,
He's really saying he likes the way your boobs look in that shirt
If a guy compliments xxxxxx your pants,
he likes your ass
If he compliments (your shoes)
well hun, he's gay.
today, my three year old cousin asked me "why do women have an extra pair of butts underneath their shirts?"
I love little boys.
If you watch Saw backwards, it is a truly amazing and touching story about one man providing countless limbs for the disabled.
When you get a bruise, 5% of people try to remember where they got it, 5% of people don't even know they have it and 90% poke it to see how much it hurts.
*Girl crying because her boyfriend broke up with her*
Friend: "Its ok, you can do better......"
BEST FRIEND: "Lets get you lookin sexy, go to a party, an find a better one."
*I walk into the classroom with a jacket on*
teacher: take that jacket off NOW!! they are against school rules
me: OMG, I am so sorry! Is anyone hurt? no? ok....I'll just slowly remove this extremely hazardous jacket....off of my torso....and slowly freeze to death.....
me:but miss, why are you wearing a jacket?
teacher: because it's cold an-
me:EVERYONE GET DOWN! SHE'S GOT A JACKET!
*class gets down and screams in fear*
(like this if your school also has retarded rules made by hitler)
See that boy doing his homework in homeroom? He couldn’t do it last night because he was too busy talking his best friend out of suicide. See that girl, with her face caked in make up? She’s bullied, she needs to feel beautiful. See him, the one who wears long sleeves everyday? He covers his arms to hide the scars. See her, with the cheap, hand-me-down clothes? Her family can’t afford food for half the month, let alone get brand names. I'm against bullying. Like if you are too.
Boy: So, sex at my place?
Girl: Yeah!
Boy: OK, but I sleep in a bunk bed with my younger brother and he thinks we're making sandwiches so this is the code. Cheese= Faster. Tomato= Harder.
Girl: OK?
~Later~
Girl: CHEESE CHEESE TOMATO CHEESE!
Brother: Stop making sandwiches! You're getting mayo all over my bed!
Like if you get it ;D
FACEBOOK STATUS:
Edward Cullen: is bored :[
- Jasper: Where's Bella?
- Edward: On her period.
- Bella: Don't just tell everyone that I'm on my period! :/
- Edward: Why? You are.
- Bella: Well I don't tell everyone you sparkle like a fucking fairy in the sun or that you won't fuck my brains out until we're married even though I'm so up for it. You're not a real vampire! You're just a fucking sparkly emo BITCH!
Bella has changed her relationship status to single.
- Jacob likes this.
Blanket on, too hot. Blanket off, too cold. One leg out, perfect, until the awkward moment when the demon from Paranormal Activity grabs it.
*Who's Guilty Here?*
A wife is dreaming in bed, she suddenly wakes up and shouts, "Quick! My husband is home!"
Her husband wakes up and jumps out of the window...
I love how Charlie Sheen tweeted "Rebecca Black, we don't hate you 'cause you're famous, you're famous because we hate you :)"
Time spent → in the shower;
25% -- Daydreaming.
25% -- Building up courage to turn off water and step into cold air.
20% -- Turing in a circle to maintain even hot water distribution.
10% -- Catching water in your mouth and spitting it out.
10% -- Contemplating the hardest decisions of life.
7% -- Washing hair.
3% -- Washing other body parts.
wake up in the middle of the night to pee:
avoid all mirrors
airplane engine makes a sudden noise:
i lived a good life
hear thumps while in shower:
whole family is being killed and you're next
turns off all lights before going to bed:
omg run for the bed before the demons get you
elevator door doesn't immediately open :
trapped forever
realize it's too quiet, where's everyone?
oh god zombies.
psychological fact #77
the crusty stuff you get in the corner of your eyes when you wake up is remnant of your dreams.
the color tells about how your dreams were.
yellow means you dreamt about love.
brown means you dreamt about death.
green means you dreamt about wealth.
colorless means you dreamt about fame.
black means you dreamt about nothing.
Staring at a text for 5 minutes trying to figure out how to reply while secretly thinking, damn it's a good thing we aren't talking face to face, I'd be screwed...
A 5 year old boy walks in on his dad naked
boy says : "what this daddy ?" pointing to his penis
dad says : "thats my limo"
boy walks in on his mam naked
bot say : "whats that?" pointing to her tits then he points at her fanny and says whats this
mam says "that my garage and front lights"
boy walks in on his mam and dad having sex and says
"mam turn on your front lights dads limo is stuck in your garage!!"
Like if you get this
Phone - *Low Battery*
1. Turn down brightness
2. Put on silent
3. Dont go on facebook
4. Dont even think about going into a game or camera
5. Don't call anyone
6. Lock
7. Only use when absolutely necessary
8. Hope that it doesn't go flat!
A man had a terrible road accident.
His wife was called to the hospital.
The Surgeon said his brain is permanently damaged there is nothing we can do.
However we can put a new donor brain in if you are willing to pay.
She said what would it cost?
He said well it depned what you choose.
We have a Policeman brain for £500.
An accountants barin for £1000.
Or we have a McDonald managers brain for £2000!!
She said why does the Mc Donald Managers brain cost so much?
The Surgeon said ` Well its like new, never been used!!!
*boy walks into classroom*
Teacher: "why are your eyes so red?"
Boy: "I have allergies"
Teacher: "What are you allegic to?"
Boy: "hehe....weeeeeed"
No wonder Rebecca Black didnt take the bus.. with all the seating options she would of had a f**king panic attack..
The vagina is the best engine in the world.
It can be started with one finger,
It's self-lubricating,
It accepts any size piston,
It even changes its own oil every four weeks.
It's a shame that the management system is so f**king temperamental...
Hitler confirmed death:
May 1, 1945..................................
Osama confirmed death:
May 1, 2011..................................
WEIRD.
If Facebook ever shut down, you'd see people aimlessly walking round streets, scribbling on walls, poking each other, searching for their friends, thumbs-upping and commenting at everything they see and tagging one another.
Guys,
we don't shave our legs every
day. Get over it. Sometimes,
we just want to talk to our
friends. No, we don't always
want to make out. Excuse us
if our boobs arent as big as
that girl on TV's. Hello, our
face is up here? Our bikini is
as far as you're gunna get,
pal. So don't try a n y harder.
NO, we're not going to hang
out with you all the time and
YES, we still love you. Our
best friends come first. Call
us your "bitch", or your "hoe",
we will publically embarass you,
at the least. We have our own
problems to deal with. Their
our OWN for a reason. We're
going to get moody, and we're
going to get needy. Deal with
it. If you're not Ken, don't
e x p e c t u s t o b e
Barbie.
Boy: Lets play the firetruck game
Girl: How do you play?
Boy: I run my fingers up your leg and you say redlight when you want me to stop
Girl: Ok :)
*Few seconds* REDLIGHT!
Boy: Firetrucks don't stop for redlights ;)
I hate it when people, wear my glasses and say, "Wow you really are blind!"
Well no sh●t, you don't see me taking a persons wheelchair
and saying, "Wow you really can't walk!"