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A little boy went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did my intelligence come from?"
The father replied, "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine."
Teacher: "Who can you tell me the name of 3 great kings, who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?"
Little Johnny: Drin-king, smo-king, and fuc-king.
Edward: "I could kill you in seconds. So shutup."
Jacob: "What are you gonna do exactly? Sparkle me to death?!"
A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."
Hello Justin Bieber. I want to play a game.
Throughout the years you have soiled the meaning of good music. There will be consequences. The device attached to your abdomen will trigger in 75 seconds, sending a metal bar up your ass. Your chances at surviving is the key located in your ashophogus, inside your lungs, the very lungs that have soiled the ears of the innocent.
How much blood will you sacrifice to continue your life? The choice is yours.
Let the game begin.
That awkward moment when you realize that if Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner get married, they would both be Taylor Lautner.
When you log on to facebook and see 89 notifications, and 6 messages you know you've said something you shouldn't have.
7 signs your falling in love*
7. You"ll read their txts over and over again
6. You"ll walk really really slow while youre with them
5. They becomes all you think about
4. You"ll get high just by their smell
3. You"ll realize that you"re always smiling, when you think about them
2. You"ll do anything for them
1. While reading this, there was one person on your mind the whole time
You hit your little toe against a table..
At age 7: ''ohhhhh oww''
At age 10: ''ahhhhhhh stup table''
Age 13: ''SHIT!!!!''
Age 16: ''You stupid mother#$%#$ing #$%#$ ass piece of shit'' (breaks table)
All of my passwords are "incorrect" so my computer always tells me if I forget.
No Mom, It doesnt matter whether I go to bed at 9:00pm or 2:00am, when I wake up tomorrow at 6am I'll be tired either way.
A girl dropped her pencil while sitting next to her bf...
She glanced at his phone while he was texting a message that said "I love you"...
The girl jumped up and called him every name she could think of and left the room...
The message was to his mother!
She didn't listen and left him...
He killed himself because she left him...
She killed herself because he killed himself...
Moral of the story: Don't drop you pencil!
When I'm sad, I like to cut myself .............................................................. Another slice of cake.
Taking a shower at someones house and getting completly undressed
then being like
"how the hell do you turn this thing on?"
person 1 - OMGF! this is stunninnn xxxxxx your stunninn babeyyyy xxxxx x
person 2 - im ugly babbbeee xxxxx yhorr the stunna xxxxxx
person 1 - NO BABY YHOO ARE! luffff this photo, xxxx it's gorjjj xxxx
person 2 - it's not gorjjj, it's total ugly bby xxxxxxxxxxx
person 3 - shut up, your both fhkn ugly.
Showers aren't just for cleaning, and some people don't go in just for cleaning.... It's for...
A place thinking about life...
A place when your depressed...
A place to sing without getting embarrassed...
A place for alone time...
A place to get warmth...
Showers are amazing.
*18 Year old brother and 6 year old brother having conversation*
18 Year old brother: Why are you playing with wrestling figures? Wrestling is soo fake.
6 Year old brother: Yeah so is your girlfriend but you still play with her.
18 Year old brother: *Complete silence*
6 Year old brother: *Thinks in his head* Yeah thats what i thought.
I go to party's, so I'm an alcoholic.
Some of my shirts are cleavagy, so I'm a slut.
I wear make-up and straighten my hair, so I'm fake.
I sometimes make innapropriate jokes, so I'm trashy.
I'm still buddies with some of my girl friends exes, so I'm a backstabber.
I cry, so I'm emotional.
I speak my mind, so I'm a bitch.
I wear some clothes that are out of style, and sometimes just throw my hair in a ponytail, so I'm ugly.
So I guess I should be a nun.
No wait, then I'd be boring.
A good friend would go to the drug store to buy you a pregnancy test but a best friend would stand outside the bathroom door yelling, "NAME IT AFTER ME!"
Justin Bieber: hey dad i just had cex for the first time....
Dad: really?? thats awesome son!! any questions??
Justin Bieber: yeah, when will my ass stop hurting??
Stop hating on Justin Bieber.
You know you're only jealous.
You say he sounds like a little kid?
Well, when his first few songs came out, he WAS a little kid.
You say he looks like a fag?
Let's see what you look/looked like at 15-16.
He's rich, famous, talented, and has girls (of ALL ages) screaming his name.
Now let's look at your life.
And you say it's not jealousy? Riiiiight.
A student comes to a young professor's office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.
"I would do anything to pass this exam."
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
"I mean.." she whispers, "..I would do ANYTHING!!"
He returns her gaze. "Anything??"
"Yes,.. Anything!" She says.
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you.. study??"
Dear Middle Schoolers,
To you getting high, drunk, and having sex is cool to us and will make us like you more.
It won't. We think its the creepiest and most disgusting thing for a middle schooler to do that.
You are all incredibly stupid. So go ahead and be "cool". But just remember, to us, its not.
A high schooler.
Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it's wide use three fingers, make sure it's wet and rub up and down. Yep that's how you wash a cup.
1994. Birth of justin bieber.
1995. Death of Eazy E.
1996. Death Tupac.
1997. Death of Biggie
4 of the most horrible years ever
Top 10 reasons why guys rule.
1. I can stick my dick in your mouth.
2. I can stick my dick in your ass.
3. I can stick my dick in your left ear.
4. I can stick my dick in your right ear.
5. I can stick my dick between your tits.
6. I can stick my dick in a hole shape in your left hand.
7. I can stick my dick in a hole shape in your right hand.
8. I can stick my dick in a hole in a wall.
9. I can stick it in your mouth while I play games.
10. I have a dick is why I rule, bitches.
gf: heyy babe :)
gf: how are you?
After reading this comment you will realize that the the brain dosent recognize a second "the"
like if you were mind fÜked
That Awkward Moment.."
"Dude, she called you a..."
"If 1000 People Like This I'll..."
"Like if you've done one or more of these things.."
"I don't want to impress you, but..."
"Everyone knows a ___ called...."
"Ask me if I'm..."
This is getting ridiculous.
yeah you think?! you forgot the:
"copy and paste in google translate"
Daughter:dad i am pregnaant
Boy : Hey, what would you do if i punch you?
Girl : I'll punch you too.
Boy : What if i slap you?
Girl : I'll slap you back.
Boy : What if i love you?
Girl : ...
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